March 12, 2014
A GRUMPY CATERPILLAR GETS HER WINGS
I listened to an interesting presentation this morning about why we find ourselves “stuck” perpetuating situations that we don’t like, don’t want, and sometimes have even worked very hard to change. For every step forward, there seems to be at least a half-step slide back; sometimes a full scale tumble back to the bottom.
The other morning I found myself spouting self-criticisms at myself and accusations at my partner that I thought were dead, buried and decomposed. But here they were, back from the dead, maybe not exactly in kick-ass form, but definitely alive in a mouldery sort of way.
“Where the hell did that come from? Do I really believe what I’m thinking and saying and feeling,” I thought?
I went for a long walk in the sunshiny, melty day…the warmest day we’ve had since sometime before Thanksgiving. First I told Jack to cool his jets. He’s a Tiger. He’s the form my Ego has taken in order for my story-oriented brain to be able to wrap itself around the existential questions and concepts I find so fascinating. Jack haruffed about a bit, then curled up in a corner, apparently asleep. Except I don’t think Tigers ever really sleep.
My mind clearer, I did something radically different than I usually do when my heart feels full of lead and the lump in my throat is damming up my tears. I gave thanks. I gave thanks for the difficult day and my heavy heart and for the morning’s difficult conversation and all the unanswered questions and all my disappointed desires. I figured there was a lesson in here somewhere and that maybe paying attention and opening up to the lesson with gratitude would make a difference.
By the time I arrived back home after wading through the woods where a large herd of deer make their home, I could sense that something was coming into focus. My heart still felt heavy and tired, but I reminded myself that it would pass and I would understand things better later. With that I sat down and finished a script and then went and met a friend. Later I worked on the script notes and finished up my day with a conference call. By bedtime I was too tired to think much about what I felt like.
The next morning the sun leapt up and commenced his climb to the top of the sky. The night seemed to have dissolved my troubles; I too felt like climbing to the top of the sky. Looking back now I realize that my difficult day was evidence that my very intention to become kinder, softer, happier and more connected with my partner had dislodged more of the debris that is in the way. It had indeed not been a day of sliding back into old patterns, but a day of undoing old patterns. The fine line between was crossed when I sent Jack the Great Defender to the corner and opened myself to understanding and gave thanks.
The presentation this morning was by Christie Marie Sheldon on How To Change Your Frequency To Change Your Reality. She talked about what happens in our energy field when we get stuck in a negative pattern–whether that is in relationships, our health, our economic experiences or just our ‘dumb luck’. What happens is that our cycle of thought-creating beliefs perpetuate the vibrational frequency that we emit into the space around us. Because like attracts like, we draw to ourselves more of whatever we are thinking, focused upon, speaking, and most especially, the vibrational frequency we are emitting as a result. We can guess well what this frequency is by our emotional state, as well as our knee-jerk trigger reactions in certain situations.
Briefly, each level of consciousness (LOC) coincides with determinable human behaviors and perceptions about life. Each level represents a corresponding attractor field of varying strength that exists beyond our three-dimensional reality. There’s a critical point within each LOC from which its field gravitates (or entrains). The numbers on the scale represent logarithmic calibrations (measurable vibratory frequencies on a scale which increases to the tenth power) of the levels of human consciousness and its corresponding level of reality. The numbers themselves are arbitrary; the significance lies in the relationship of one number (or level) to another (e.g., Dr. Hawkins’ scale is from 1 to 1000).
It has been a long road. It has taken me a long time to clear the old frequencies of shame and guilt, grief, fear. In reading further about Dr. Hawkins work, (I’m going to get his book!) I read what I already suspected: few of us are static in one place on this scale. We operate at different levels based on our past experiences and operative beliefs about those experiences. I can see that because of the work I have done to shift my thinking, my beliefs and consequently my attitudes, I have crossed that threshold into courage and willingness and acceptance. Sometimes I even operate for a few minutes up in those wonderful levels that radiate love and joy. But I am aware of the drag on my progress and certain situations can send me into a free-fall down into the dark depths again of shame, guilt, and fear.
I am blessed to have a chiropractor who practices Applied Kinesiology and has done emotional clearings with me related to these low vibrational frequencies. I have been blessed to have been allowed so many amazing experiences in my life that have helped me re-create my life while slowly learning what it means to shift how I think, what I think, how I view mySelf and this world and the greater Universe–how I view this Holy Presence, this Creator, this Source that I have called “God”.
I am very, very grateful for the many lessons I have been allowed, the Grace that has buffered me, the Love that has held me even when I had no idea I was being held, no idea that I was loved. During my life as a grumpy caterpillar all I could see was the muddy ground and all I could do was keep crawling along looking for “food”. I gazed enviously at the beautiful winged creatures, wishing I could do what they did, wishing I could fly away. Then came the season when I got shut up inside a funky space in my life and all I knew dissolved into a smelly soup. Then one morning as the sun climbed to the top of the sky my closed up little world split open top to bottom spilling me out. For a long pause I clung to the branch on which I found myself–something about it was familiar. But I have come to understand just enough that now there is nothing for it but to spread my wings–my glorious butterfly wings, and take to the skies! I have this song running through my head…I wish I could sing it for you…”Oh joy, oh joy
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh joy; I thought love was blind, I opened my eyes, now it’s all that I see. My tears are washed clean from all I’ve been through in that holy stream, the beautiful stream of the joy that is you…” The Joy That Is You
The secret I have learned is that although we may think we are stuck, we aren’t. We are never stuck. As long as we draw breath in this body we are called to journey upwards to living lives from the heart, lives of courage and humility, of gratitude and forgiveness, of love and of joy. We are called to pilgrimage, to leave the comfort zones of the illusions we’ve bought and sold, to become the hero of our own story and experience transformation from frogs to kings–from paupers to princes–from grumpy caterpillars to beautiful fairy butterflies.