September 30, 2011
“I now affirm that only the feelings I consciously act on express who I am.”
Who I Really Am…
Emerges from the illusions I believed to be true; ceases to re-create experiences that render Life without power, without flavor, without color, unappealing, unappetizing.
If Joy is the natural state of Being in the Universe, and it takes tremendous energy to close oneself off from it—why do I?
Payoff. I have to give up the “payoff”. I developed the erroneous notion that I could get attention and admiration, acceptance and love by being a victim—if not the victim of others ill-treatment, than the victim of Difficulty. When my friend says she admires me because I work harder than most to succeed—against challenges of health and circumstance, I feel “heroic”. It cuts the shame and gives me something to be proud of. But really, I don’t work harder than most. She said once that I have more strength in my little finger than the “girlfriends” put together. That’s not true either. That I have had to contend with fatigue and migraines through out my adult life—and “fight against” the debilitating affects of Shame and Fear may look heroic and brave. The sad joke is that I chose it, I created it in the first place. I didn’t know I did. They didn’t know I did. But now I know I did. And do. Everything we experience we create.
I chose to experience the world this way. Perhaps in ignorance. Perhaps by contract with my Soul as part of this incarnation’s journey; taste the dark and learn to emerge from it. In that sense, I deserve some thumbs up for choosing to find my way out of that tangled wood, for not giving in, not giving up. I knew deep down there was a greater reason for my struggles than just that I’d been dealt those cards, as it were. I wanted to know why, and I wanted to move past it into a place of healing and joy, of productive creativity and love. So if I am to be commended, it is for wanting this, choosing this, for making the journey.
I found the way out. I found the answers and the reasons. I know the truth now. So now Who am I without the “struggle” against depression and fatigue and headaches and paralyzing fear? Without the endless fixation on “healing”…and “facing the fearful demons”? My friend also said to me one time, “Geez, you’ve done more inner work than anyone I know—you’d think you’d be healed by now!” Well spoken my good friend. Especially when I don’t have a tragic, broken past. What I have are a pack of false beliefs that I framed and protected. They were the gateway for fear and shame and negativity; for fatigue and headaches and stress induced irritability. For rage and judgment.
The curtain has been raised and the illusion exposed. I no longer have the excuse of ignorance or helplessness for my allowance of the old patterns. There is absolutely no reason for Joy to be shut out while Fear sits at table waited upon hand and foot. I am fully Master of my Life, Creator of my Experience. I know this now.
So why would I trade my freedom and all its beauty and joy and love and success and rewarding work for a tiny dank cell filled with tormentors. (J.K. Rowling had it spot-on when she invented the Dementors—hellish beings who feed on all the beauty and light in our soul.) Why indeed!
It is a lie that it takes a lot of work to burst the bubble of the illusion. It is a lie that it takes a lot of energy to pivot a negative attitude, or negative energy or negative emotions to the Light. It is simply a choice. The lie makes it seem that it has powerful energy and will require the same or more from me to overcome it. It’s just a lie. If I stretch out my hand and pull back the curtain, all that’s there is a little old curmudgeon with a stinky cigar clenched between her toothless gums pulling a lot of strings and flipping a bunch of switches to create the hologram she wants me to believe is the reality of my life.
I’m not buying it anymore.